Reflections on caregiving

Family legacy

Ray and I were going to enjoy lunch outside today. The weather is going to be changing a little, so we thought we would sit on the patio and relax. It was 12:38 p.m. when I remembered that today Mom has been gone for seven months. After lunch I felt like going through all of our family pictures. Wow, so much to look at!

It turned out to be a positive move for me. I’m thinking that the time has come to put together a photo album for each of my grandchildren. After all, Cassie is turning twenty years old and Dominick is fifteen. Before you know it, he will be turning twenty. I want them to remember Mom in every way. She loved them so much. Cassie was her first great granddaughter and Dominick is her last great grandson. They truly loved being around their Nana. They found Mom to be so cute and funny, and they completely ignored her dementia. To them it didn’t matter and they accepted her just the way she was—sweet and always wanting hugs. I want them to have their own photo album. Hopefully they will pass it on to their children and share what a special lady Nana was and how she truly loved all of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. I hope they also share that she was filled with love for the Lord and that Nana was a prayer warrior who loved talking with her family. She was always very concerned about their health and wellbeing because family meant the world to her. If you said to her “So Mom (or Nana,) how are you today? What’s new?” Or even if you asked her anything about herself, she would immediately say, “Never mind about me, what about all of you?”

Yes, Mom (and our Nana) has been gone for seven months as of today. We all still talk about her and miss her every day. We all hope you are living the good life up in heaven. This last seven months went by way to fast. Love you Mom, and love you Nana.

Mother’s Day surprise

Well, I made it. I wasn’t sure about today; not only because it’s Mother’s Day but I didn’t want to bring everyone down. I wanted it to be a happy day filled with good memories of Mom and past Mother’s Days.

The day ended up being good. We all made it to church and after to the grave site to place flowers. It was very emotional for everyone but I guess that’s all part of the grief journey. It is funny to think but I woke up Saturday morning thinking of something I wanted to ask Mom. I walked down the hallway and stopped short in my tracks and started laughing—Mom, you’re not here. I thought, wow I am losing it and I am getting old. I could just her Mom say, “Baby you’re in trouble. You are getting old.” She always said that when I’d lose or miss place something.

Oh, Mom I do wish you were here. We made your favorite dishes for dinner and Ray made his mother-in-law’s favorite cheesecake dessert. Mom used to love it so much. Every year Ray would ask her what she wanted for him to bake on Mother’s Day and she would give him a big smile, like you know what I want—cheesecake. She always bragged how her son-in-law made the best cheesecake in the world.

As we were sitting down to dinner Ray shared how much he missed Mom. They got along so well and Mom loved him very much. Anyway Mother’s Day came and went and I made it just fine. I’m glad that to my surprise it went well. Mom you are missed so much. Today on your special day and every day you will always be in our hearts. We will love you forever, “Happy Mother’s Day!” I love you Mom.

Mother’s Day is Coming

Mother’s Day is a week away and believe it or not I can’t wait to celebrate this very special day. Even before I became a mom, I always looked forward to Mother’s Day. I guess my memory of this time of the year is always filled with pretty flower beds outside, nice weather, not to mention everyone wearing bright, spring colors. I also remembering taking Mom out for breakfast after church and making her the center of attention on this special day. We always made sure she was loved, but on Mother’s Day, come on now, it’s the best time of the year!

And this year, well, Mom’s Day is here and I know it will be hard without her. However, I’m planning on something special. I hope everything works out right. I plan on the whole family getting together and asking if everyone would like to attend church and then breakfast afterwards, just like we used to before. I hope they will all agree.

The one thing I don’t like is going to the gravesite. You know, taking flowers and saying a few words. It’s not something I look forward to doing, but it’s life. Mom and Dad are buried side-by-side. I guess it won’t be so bad because I get to visit both at the same time.

Mother’s Day will be wonderful. Church will be first, with the choir singing a beautiful song in honor of Mother’s Day. Mom and I were always singing in the choir when I was a teenager and I’m still a choir member today. So yes, it will be all good on Sunday, May 8th 2011. Do I wish you were here celebrating with me? You bet Mom! As a matter of fact, I know I will feel you next to me as choir starts to sing. Happy Mother’s Day Mom. This is one day you will be so missed. I love you.

Easter memories

It’s that time of the year again. The flowers are all blooming, it stays daylight longer, the weather is too perfect, and it’s also time to get the clothes out from the back of the closet that are bright in color and shorter in every way. I just love it! I can just hear Mom, “What are you planning for Easter dinner? And what do you want me to make? I’ll color the eggs. And please don’t forget, let’s get those chocolate covered almonds and chocolate kisses.”

It’s another holiday without her. I’m thinking to myself, I know it has to get better. After Easter is Mother’s Day and I should sail better. Yeah right! But when you really think about it, after Mother’s Day, I’ve made it through all of the holidays without Mom this past year. How hard was it? Oh, my God, very hard! But I’m doing better.

My goodness, I miss her so much, especially at Easter time. The choir at church never sounded better. Mom and I were in choir through all of my teenage years in Hawaii, I remember it like it was yesterday. She would always take me shopping for a new Easter dress. Wow! When I think about it, money was so tight back then. But, she always managed to save enough to get me a new dress every Easter. Oh, how I looked forward to that special Saturday morning. I’d get up early and get dressed, waiting for Mom. I think Mom enjoyed it more than I did because she always said after shopping, “I’m so glad that God gave me a daughter to enjoy dressing her up.” She said she would never forget the look of joy on my face.

You were the best, Mom. What great memories of Easter with you I have. I hope you are enjoying some chocolate covered almonds, and don’t forget the kisses. Thank you, God. I love you Mom.

Flowers in bloom

With the weather being so perfect, I find myself at the nursery more often. These last few days especially I’m walking by all the beautiful colors of flowers. I can just hear Mom saying,
“Get some of those and, oh yes, get some of those too,” and we would walk out with a truck load of flowers, dirt and fertilizer.

We’d laugh so hard because we would look at each other and say, “Beautiful flowers in the ground today and no money to pay for food. But, oh boy, how beautiful the yard is going to look.”

I remember Mom use to call me in the dead of winter and in her dementia mind she would say, “Come on Baby, let’s go get some marigolds.”

“It’s not time Mom,” I’d tell her. “Let’s go get some hot coffee at Starbucks and goodies. It’s too cold outside for planting flowers.”

I think I miss just doing things with her more than anything. Her dementia came too fast. It’s funny. At times her dementia brought some beauty and comfort. I can hear her now, “Come on, let’s get those flowers in the ground.” She always thought she was living in our beautiful home in Hawaii. Why would I change her mind and spoil it for her?

Mother’s Day is less than a month away, and a lot of emotions are surfacing with me now. Not to mention that it has been six months since Mom’s passing. However, I’m going to continue to concentrate on good memories and take everything one day at a time. “Baby,” I can just hear her, “One day at a time.”

Mom’s love lives on. Because I love her so much there will be tears, because we laughed there will be beautiful memories of flowers, and because we lived there will still be so much joy. In the dictionary dementia means mental deterioration, but in our eyes it also means the slow, stealing of one’s life. I know for sure that wherever you are today, you have a perfect mind and you are in great peace. I love you more, Mom.

Spring changes

The weather is turning to Mom’s favorite time of the year—spring. I imagine for most people it’s the same. Lately I’ve been thinking more and more about Mom. It is probably because it is coming up on her six month anniversary of her passing. For whatever reason, I worry about things like will I get to a point where I will forget what she looks like? I think to myself, no way, I’m crazy. But could it happen? I keep saying this over and over again. I miss her, oh how I miss her. It’s the small things that we used to do that I miss—sitting across from her outside on the patio, going for one of our walks, talking on the phone. I can go on and on.

One good thing, I’m not crying as much; just feeling the loss every day. I tell myself that it’s going to get better. I will think and talk about Mom less and less every day. Well, I really don’t know when and if that will ever be the case. I know that I’ll never forget Mom but in time I will move one with this grief.

Every day is different, like a roller coaster up and down. I’m also learning to accept triggers. When they happen, I try to accept it head on and then let it go. Remembering Mom and her illness and how dementia made life so miserable for her, how every day she fought this terrible disease, not knowing what was going on.

I thank God that Mom is now free of dementia and has no more confusion. I know Mom is walking with the Lord in peace. Keep smiling Mom and I promise you I will do the same. But I assure you, I will never forget your beautiful face. I love you.

Remembering the funny times

Everyone says that there is something about the sixth month date. Mom’s is coming up in a couple of weeks. Wow! Six months, where has the time gone? That’s exactly what Mom would say. She would also say, “You know you’re getting old when you ask where the time gone, and then before you know it we will be making out our Christmas gift list!” I would respond, “Oh, please Mom. Let’s not rush it.”

I must be getting a little bit better in dealing with my grief because I’m thinking a lot about Mom and all of the funny times we shared. Even when Mom’s dementia was getting worse she always made me laugh, and the funny thing is a lot of it never made much sense. Come to think of it, Mom always had a sense of humor. I guess it was a blessing that Mom never really knew what was happening to her, considering the fact that her dementia was in such a bad state.

I remember one particular time very well, we were enjoying our breakfast together, one of my favorite times shared with Mom. I turned on the TV, and there was Regis and Kelly, Mom’s favorite morning show. She turned to me and said, “You know baby, that’s Regis and Kelly. Did I ever tell you that Kelly and I went to the same high school in Hawaii?” I’m sitting next to Mom and I must have had a really funny look on my face. Mom started to laugh and said, “I’m not kidding you!” She looked at me with that gleam in her eyes, “Oh, I forgot to tell you, Kelly was one grade behind me, too bad. After graduation I lost track of her.”

It’s only been six months since Mom died, and as I sit down today and write these words I think of that very special morning and all of the other special times that I shared with Mom. I am so blessed that I had those days with her, and I will always cherish those memories. I may have been Mom’s daughter, but that did not make being her caregiver any easier. I know that Mom never knew what was happening to her, and I thank God that the word dementia meant nothing to her. I also thank God that I shared those funny, beautiful memories with Mom. I miss you, and I love you Mom.

Memories of Mom

I’m so glad that I’m back to doing what I love; volunteering with my hospice group, visiting and helping people that are going through their journey, and giving emotional support to their families.

One of my favorite visits is going to facilities and visiting people with the same disease that Mom had, dementia. And in a small way, when I go back to being a caregiver for a short moment during my visits, it takes me back to days I spent caregiving for Mom. I’m so surprised that I’m able to go back and do this. It’s been six months since Mom passed and of course I still miss her so much. For some reason, visiting people with this disease makes me feel good, and reminds me that caregiving for Mom was well worth it.

I knew that it was going to be a very difficult job on that first day, eight years ago. There were a lot of challenging days. As Mom’s dementia began to get worse I noticed something different about her. She became insecure and vulnerable. This disease just eats away at a person so fast. As I look back, Mom knew something was not right. I think she may have had an idea of what was going on. I used to see the sadness in her face a lot. I remember telling myself over and over again, “Do the best you can Pam.” How awful it must be for Mom, knowing that for a short moment something is changing. I think she might have asked herself over and over again, “What is changing with me?” And in a blink of an eye her memory is washed away.

Rest in beautiful peace Mom. Although I miss you every single day, no more feeling insecure or vulnerable, and no more questioning what is going on; just beautiful peace. Oh, how I miss and love you so very much.

An old card

Now that I’m no longer a caregiver I find myself meeting more and more people that are. It brings back a lot of memories of when I was taking care of Mom. I finally took care of all of Mom’s belongings. I did keep some of her clothing—a jacket that she just loved and a few other things—the rest I gave to Community Hospice’s Hope Chest Thrift Store. It made me feel good.

One thing I came across that really made me miss her and yet, also made me feel really good, were photo albums that Mom had put together that were filled with pictures of all of us. I remember Mom being the lady with the camera before, during, and after dementia. She loved taking pictures of her family. I also came across another thing that made me very emotional. Believe it or not, Mom kept all cards that her family gave her over the years; birthdays, Christmas, Mothers Day, etc. She kept them all, and I mean cards from years ago.

One in particular that I found blew me away. This card was from me to Mom three days after high school graduation. That’s over fifty years ago! Wow, can you imagine?! When I came across it I cried. After looking at the date in the card, it was sent to her when I arrived in California on June 14, 1960, three days after graduation. The card was to let her know that I arrived safe and sound. And to think, she kept it all these years. Why she decided to write a few words on the back of the card I will never know. What she wrote blew my mind. She wrote “Thank God, and thank God my baby is safe.”

Thinking to myself, I had no idea my mom was so worried about me leaving Hawaii and coming to California. I wanted to leave home so badly and go to the main land for college. I knew she would miss me and of course I missed her and Dad very much. Why didn’t I come across this card before she died? I would have told her that I missed her so much that day that I left, and that I had to go make a life for myself. I also wanted her to know that she raised her only daughter to start getting on with her life, and that California was the place to start. I know that she trusted me very much. After reading the card that she kept all of these years, that she did indeed raise me right. She raised me to be strong and to make wise choices. I also remember her saying “Baby, get an education, find a job you love, and some day you are going to find a wonderful man to share your life and grow old with.” Mom was right on. I can still hear her so clearly say “Baby, you own your mind and body. Now go live your life.” Thank you, Mom. I miss you so much and I love you more every day.